Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
