I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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