Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Randomize
