I cut my penus on the lid.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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