Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drunk is not a location!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
