So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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