she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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