Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
