She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
