I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
