As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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