The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
