based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
