man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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