Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
