I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
