I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
