There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
