You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
