don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
