OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
