Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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