I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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