I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize