I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
someone threw a dead crab at me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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