I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
