Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you made out with another girl for some wings
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
