I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I wish you could order shots online.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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