I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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