Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
