you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
