the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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