I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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