My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
