I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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