i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize