Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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