Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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