she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
