Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
