That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
