I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
