I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
