dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
