I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
