happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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