so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
