Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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