I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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