She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's shark week go big or go home
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
