my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
