I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dicks are not precious.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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