Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
