Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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